im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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