Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I got inside last night via doggy door
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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