I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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