So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
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At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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