Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
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Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.