New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.