I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?