dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My legs feel like baby dolphins