I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
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Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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