Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
