the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
