Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
