apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
