We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
