Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
