I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
