my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.