I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
