i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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