my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
