just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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