Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
