when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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