i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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