the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
