Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
