dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
