My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
