You're my little dorito
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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