When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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