um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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