We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i think i just lost a toe
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
