I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
