my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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