she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
