I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
