If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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