Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
