is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
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Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
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Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...