My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.