Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.