I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
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Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?