Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back