I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom