i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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