So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole