He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
