i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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