Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
