One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
