every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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