woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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