Who did Billy Mays play for?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
