We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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