Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
