You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
