Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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