I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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