In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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