the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
