Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
